Terms of retrenchment

workforce optimisation
standard delayering
restructuring
re-engineering
resource rationalisation
downsizing
voluntary separation

Why don't companies call a spade a spade and just say that they are laying off people, rather than attach fancy labels to such exercises?

Related posts:
A new kind of retrenchment
How the ax falls, Filipino-style
Top 10 buzzwords in 2009

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Creative advertising

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Thanks, but no thanks

From "Low-priced Nano taps into Indians’ aspirations", The Christian Science Monitor:
That could be problematic for the company, which made some big-ticket purchases – including the troubled Jaguar and Land Rover brands – during the height of the economic boom. The company also failed to get many Nanos off the assembly line before launch, thanks to protests that caused the company to relocate a factory.

In this context, "thanks to" is not appropriate. The sentence should have been written as: "The company also failed to get many Nanos off the assembly line before launch, due to protests that caused the company to relocate a factory."

Related post:
Thanks? No, thanks!

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Anal, retention!

In his recent Value Driven column ("Chris Dodd Wants to scrap Your Bonus", FORTUNE magazine, March 16), Geoff Colvin argued that the proposed tough new limits on Wall Street bonuses in the US stimulus package will "inadvertently reward nonperformance and drive talented financiers away from the companies that need them most".

Ignoring the simplistic examples cited in the article, can Colvin name "talented financiers" who have not brought things upon themselves?

If they're the masters of the universe as Colvin described them, they wouldn't have their hands in the TARP cookie jar in the first place.

For the sake of argument, let's say I'm a poor decision-maker whose actions helped bankrupt my company. Do I throw a tantrum and leave because my bonus is taken away, knowing full well that another company will recognise my "talent" (or lack of it) and hire me (despite)? What kind of logic is that?

Even if this is not the case, the idea that the talent pool will evaporate without this level of compensation is a false choice. Considering the general malaise on Wall Street, where can the "talented financiers" head to if they choose to go? Furthermore, many of these masters of the universe would by no means be paupers if their salaries and bonuses fell a little closer to earth.

For those who are planning to pull a DeSantis, I'd say call their bluff and let them leave.

Related story:
To: Ex-V.P., A.I.G. From: The Taxpayer

Technorati Tags: Geoff Colvin FORTUNE Chris Dodd retention bonuses Wall Street stimulus package TARP talent Jake DeSantis financiers

Top 10 buzzwords in 2009

Unless you have been hiding under a rock for the last couple of weeks (not necessarily a bad thing, given the circumstances), you would have come across the following buzzwords (in no particular order) that will dominate news headlines in the months to come:

1. economic tsunami
2. layoff
3. AIG = arrogance, incompetence and greed
4. stimulus package
5. bailout
6. credit crunch
7. retention bonuses
8. unemployment
9. too big to fail
10. Ponzi scheme

Technorati Tags: buzzwords economic tsunami layoff AIG stimulus package bailout credit crunch retention bonuses unemployment too big to fail Ponzi scheme

Product recalls extended to e-mail messages

Looks like product recalls are now the vogue, and it's not just in the food industry. Google, in typical do no evil fashion, has unveiled a new feature for Gmail that allows users to hit the panic button and "Undo" the sending of an e-mail message, for whatever reasons.

But you have to act fast - five seconds to be precise, otherwise you will have to go through the futile effort of sending a follow-up message to the unintended recipient and beg him/her to "delete the message and destroy any printed or electronic copies".

Short of erasing someone's memory, there is no sure-fire way to "undo" a misdirected message. Old-fashioned vigilance is probably the best way to avert these snafus in the first place.

Problem is, Gmail's "Undo" feature seems to be a rip-off from Bigstring Corporation's playbook. Perhaps Google should consider buying out the company to eliminate the competition, however insignificant.

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WTF

A colleague was so pissed off at work recently that she used expletives to describe her fellow workers. Considering she's Chinese and probably doesn't have a firm handle on swearing using the F-word, here's a guide:


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金融危机

孩子：妈妈，金融危机了，涨点零用钱吧？
妈妈：你怎么没说“金融危机”了，把你那50元的零用钱给减免掉，大家一起共度难关呢？

Technorati Tags: 金融危机 妈妈 孩子 零用钱 financial crisis allowance

Should Citi be investigated for leaked memo?

Citigroup's shares rallied last week, on the back of CEO Vikram Pandit's "leaked memo" reassurring his troops that "we are profitable through the first two months of 2009 and are having our best quarter-to-date performance since the third quarter of 2007".

Shares of the financial services provider have been under constant pressure since its bailout by the US government and for a while traded below US$1 (the first blue-chip stock ever to slip below US$1, according to Dow Jones data going back to 1970). Ignoring Pandit's postulation that "our stock price is not an indication of our financial strength", is this an attempt by the under fire CEO to give Citi's shares a much needed boost?

Previously, if a company had an average stock price below US$1 for a 30-day trading period, the company would face the risk of having its stock delisted by the NYSE. However, the NYSE has announced that it was temporarily suspending its US$1 minimum price requirement until June 30. (Battered companies must be breathing a collective sigh of relief.)

But I digress. The point is: Why should investors believe any numbers coming from the mouth of someone who, for a long time, had no idea of the bank's existing problems? Could some of the "profits" highlighted by Pandit be nothing more than adjustments to previous quarter's write-downs? And what about the motivation behind releasing such a memo at this point of time? The company is set to review first quarter 2009 financial results next month (April 17 if I'm not mistaken) so what's the hurry to bless the market with the good news?

Related stories:
Citi Execs Make Killing On Stock Surge
Who Made Money From Citi's Leaked Memo?

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Amazing feat... er, hands!

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我的完美女友是机器人

由于工作太忙没有时间和现实中的女性交往，33岁的加拿大软件工程师勒同耗资1.4万英镑自己制作了一个美女机器人当女友。

机器人"爱子"不仅会做算术、掌握1.3万句不同的英语和日语，还能记住人的长相、大声读报和指路。

Related story:
"I'm Here to Make You Feel Better"



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Congratulations, Singapore!

Singapore is the 10th most expensive city to live in, according to The Economist Intelligence Unit's Worldwide Cost of Living survey. The figures on the table (right) represent a weighted average of the prices of over 160 items found in 140 cities, from a loaf of bread to a luxury car.

But the PAP government should not rest on its laurels. There are nine more places to go before we reach No. 1, although Singapore tops the ranking in Asia (ex-Japan).

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Just get it done!

If you're fond of procrastination, check out this 13-point manifesto by Bre Pettis and Kio Stark on how to make your good ideas happen. Why 13, you may ask? I guess Pettis and Stark wanted to leave room for people with a fondness to cross items out on lists, so they will have a Top 10 when they're done. There you go!

The Cult of Done Manifesto
1. There are three states of being. Not knowing, action and completion.
2. Accept that everything is a draft. It helps to get it done.
3. There is no editing stage.
4. Pretending you know what you're doing is almost the same as knowing what you are doing, so just accept that you know what you're doing even if you don't and do it.
5. Banish procrastination. If you wait more than a week to get an idea done, abandon it.
6. The point of being done is not to finish but to get other things done.
7. Once you're done you can throw it away.
8. Laugh at perfection. It's boring and keeps you from being done.
9. People without dirty hands are wrong. Doing something makes you right.
10. Failure counts as done. So do mistakes.
11. Destruction is a variant of done.
12. If you have an idea and publish it on the internet, that counts as a ghost of done.
13. Done is the engine of more.

Do you agree?

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No money no pee

Oh dear, Michael O'Leary has done it again. In yet another move destined to alienate customers, the Ryanair boss told BBC that he was considering fitting coin slots to the toilet doors of his aircraft. This measure, he said, would oblige customers to "spend a pound to spend a penny".

What's next? Coin slots on emergency oxygen masks? Here's a scary future vision of O'Leery's endless new fee strategy.



Related posts:
No flushing?
Sex in the air

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No flushing?

Took this photo last week in a toilet in Hong Kong while taking a dump. Don't ask why - there is a reason for everything. If you look at the photo closely, you'll notice a bunch of crossed-out icons for no smoking, no this, no that. But tucked away in the bottom left corner is an icon that has been tampered with.

If this had happened in Singapore, the authorities would probably have stuck another icon for "No drawing" or something.

Related post:
No shit

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Aussie saves life, loses money

Whoever said one good turn deserves another probably hasn't been to Singapore. Apparently an Aussie by the name of Filip Lou did the unthinkable by diving into the Singapore River to save a woman who attempted suicide after a break-up with her boyfriend. In the process, Lou got injured and both hero and damsel-in-distress were taken to the hospital for treatment. Guess what? The hospital insisted that Lou pay for his treatment. No wonder welfare is a dirty word in Singapore.

See report below:

Straits Times Feb 17 2009

DUTCH Australian IT executive Filip Lou, 34, was in Singapore for a conference, but ended up saving a life.
He was with his friends and colleagues in front of the Esplanade on Sunday night when 'a European woman attempting suicide leapt off the railing in front of the Merlion' he said.
'I grabbed the life buoy and threw it in after her but she did not make any attempt to hold on. Not wanting to watch her drown, I passed my mobile and wallet to my friends, took off my clothes and jumped into the dark waters after her,' he told The Straits Times on Tuesday.
Mr Lou, who works for with ILOG, an IBM company in Sydney, said the woman was neither on drugs nor drunk.
'I think she said her name was Annika and that her boyfriend had just broken off their relationship. She said she had nothing else to live for. I tried to counsel her while floating in the cold dark waters until the rescue team arrived,' he said.
While trying to climb the steps onto the Esplanade, Mr Lou cut his feet and hands on the sharp stones. 'I was not aware that my feet were bleeding and leaving red footprints on the sidewalk. I was more concerned with people photographing me in my underwear,' he said, laughing.
Mr Lou and the woman he saved were both taken to the emergency room at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH).
'My wounds were cleaned, treated and bandaged; and I was given a tetanus injection. When I went to the front desk, I was told I had to pay $90,' he said. 'I understand that it was late and the woman behind the counter was doing her job. It was not up to her to waive the fees but I had just risked my life to save a stranger. Is this really standard policy? I was quite disappointed,' he added.
Despite having to pay the $90, Mr Lou said he would do it again if a life was at risk.
When approached, a spokesman for the hospital said it is unable to waive fees for medical treatment rendered. 'But if a patient has problems making payment, he can arrange for deferred payment,' she added, but declined to comment on the victim, citing patient confidentiality.

This sorry episode prompted someone to post the following comment:

Dear Mr Filip Lou,

According to our records, you did not provide evidence that you saved a drowning woman's life. As such, we did not waive your treatment fees. To appeal, please submit the following documents within 2 weeks of this letter:

- photocopy of your NRIC or passport
- police report of this incident
- written statements from 2 witnesses not related to yourself
- written statement from the victim.

Do note that we cannot process your appeal if the above documents are not received in full within the stated time frame.

Regards,
Hospital Billing

====== 10 weeks later ======

Dear Mr Filip Lou,

We have considered your appeal carefully and we regret to inform you that we are unable to waive your $90 hospital fees.

We do not currently have a policy of waiving medical fees for personal reasons such as getting hurt while saving another person.

Please note that this is our final decision. It is in your best interest that we do not waive your hospital fees as you might develop a crutch mentality. In addition, your example may encourage free loaders to pretend to save lives in order to get free medical treatment.

Nonetheless in recognition of your efforts, we are pleased to enclose a $10 Food & Beverage voucher for your use in any of our hospital's food outlets.

Regards,
Hospital Billing

Technorati Tags: Filip Lou Singapore Singapore River suicide Singapore General Hospital medical treatment

Play outside, okay?

A small, uncontrollable child was causing problems on a flight – running around, screaming, licking other passengers food, etc. The parents were just letting this little monster run wild.

One of the flight attendants knelt down to the child and was heard to say: "Hello little boy, would you like to play outside for a while?"

Related posts:
Anger mismanagement
Money for nothing and seats aren't free

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Different ways to say "take a dump"

How many ways do you know to say "take a dump"? Here are a few suggestions:

Baking a cake
Squeezin chocolate
Blowing mud
Drownin slaves
Droppin friends off at the pool
Having a big brown baby
Bombing the super bowl
Tearing ass
Lay some cable
Pinch a loaf

And, of course, the old favourite - shit!

Related post:
This is how shit happens

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