不可小看现在的学生的写作能力

考题千奇百怪，答卷也五花八门。真佩服现在的学生啊，思维跳脱，天马行空，和我们那时候的循规蹈矩，差别太大了。看一组语文试卷中的填空题：

1.__________，为伊消得人憔悴
同学答：宽衣解带终不悔
（正解为“衣带渐宽终不悔”，偶承认这个是思想有问题）

2.问渠哪得清如许，__________
同学答：心中自有清泉在
（正解为“唯有源头活水来”，咱还是和水粘了点边~~~）

3.何当共剪西窗烛，__________
同学答：夫妻对坐到天明
（语文老师阅卷时笑晕。后在课堂时说此事，又晕！正解为“却话巴山夜雨时”）

4.蚍蜉撼大树，__________
同学答：一动也不动
（正解为“可笑不自量”。一动也不动，赫赫，很符合事实阿）

5.君子成人之美，__________
同学答：小人夺人所爱
（直接晕死）

6.穷则独善其身，__________
同学答：富则妻妾成群
（正解：达则兼济天下）

7.__________，天下谁人不识君
同学答：只要貌似萨达姆
（汗....）

8.后宫佳丽三千人，__________
同学答：铁棒也会磨成针~~~~~~
（正解为“三千宠爱在一身”）

9.身有彩凤双飞翼，__________
同学答：拔毛凤凰不如鸡
还有个同学答：夫妻双双把家还
（正解为“心有灵犀一点通”）

10.东边日出西边雨，__________
同学答：床头打架床尾合
还有个同学答：上错花轿嫁对郎

11.__________，糟糠之妻不下堂
同学答：结发之夫不上床
（语文老师暴怒！）

12.但愿人长久，__________
同学答：一颗永流传
（当时狂笑，现在觉得挺经典的。正解为“千里共婵娟”）

13.西塞山前白鹭飞，__________
同学答：东村河边爬乌龟
（对的挺工整的）

14.我劝天公重抖擞，__________
同学答：天公对我吼三吼
（正解为“不拘一格降人才”，龚自珍）

15.天生我才必有用，__________
同学答：关键时刻显神通
又有同学答：老鼠儿子会打洞
（整办公室的语文老师集体毫无形象的狂笑）

16.天若有情天亦老，__________
同学答：人不风流枉少年！
（正解为“月若无恨月长圆” 李贺《金铜仙人辞汉歌》 )

17.洛阳亲友如相问，__________
同学答：请你不要告诉他
（正解为“一片冰心在玉壶”）

18.期末考试出对联, 上联是英雄宝刀未老
该初三同学对下联为：老娘丰韵尤存

19.良药苦口利于病，__________
同学答：不吃才是大傻瓜
人生自古谁无死，__________
同学答：只是死的有先后
（结局：家长会后被老师留下来训话鸟……）

20.床前明月光，__________
同学答：李白睡的香

21.管中窥豹，__________
同学答：吓我一跳
（哈哈哈！正解为“可见一斑”)

22.__________，飞入寻常百姓家
同学答：康佳彩霸电视机

23.葡萄美酒夜光杯，__________
同学答：金钱美人一大堆

24.__________，路上行人欲断魂
初一学生的杰作：半夜三更鬼敲门

25.还有次考陶渊明的“吾不能为五斗米折腰”，同学填的是“给我六斗就可以”…

26.老吾老以及人之老，__________
同学答：妻吾妻以及人之妻
（老师后来评卷时说那个同学特别具有奉献精神，哈哈）

27.想当年，金戈铁马，__________
同学答：看今朝，死缠烂打
（正解为“气吞万里如虎”）

28.五年级的一次考试就考到了“三个臭皮匠，__________”
同学答：臭味都一样
（把监考和外面的校长笑翻了）

29.初一的学生对对子，“登城白云间揽山色入怀，__________”
同学答：我到酒店去抱小姐上床
（他的语文老师差点当场吐血而亡）

30.两情若是长久时，__________
同学答：该是两人成婚时

31.沉舟侧畔千帆过，__________
同学答：孔雀开屏花样多

32.书到用时方恨少，__________
同学答：钱到月底不够花

33.天若有情天亦老，__________
同学答：人若有情死得早
（正解为“月若无恨月长圆”）

34.人生自古谁无死，__________
同学答：有谁大便不带纸
（没有语言了...）

35.有次考李清照的如梦令，“知否？知否？___________”
同学答：SORRY I，DON'T KNOW...
（正解为“应是绿肥红瘦”）

36.有次考鲁迅先生某句：“___________，我以我血溅轩辕”
同学答：他以他刀插我身

37.语文考试，填空里有一首革命诗：“为人进出的门紧锁着，________________，一个声音高喊着：_________________我渴望自由，但人的身躯怎能从狗洞子里爬出…”
同学答：为狗爬出的洞也锁着 / 他妈的，都锁着！

38.千山万水总是情，___________
同学答：多给一份行不行
（批卷老师对了一句：情是情，分是分，多给一份都不行）

39.高一的时候，一次月考，上句“仰天大笑出门去，（正解）我辈岂是蓬蒿人”。班上有人写：一不小心扭到腰。 还有一句，上句：“清水出芙蓉，（正解）天然去雕饰”。有人写，淤泥出莲藕；还有人更绝，写：乱世出英雄

40. 问君能有几多愁，___________
同学答：恰似一壶二锅头
（老师批“你又喝多了……”）

Technorati Tags: 高考 搞笑版 学生 写作能力 语文试卷 填空题

Mindboggling statistics about Singapore

Tired of boring survey results by the government-controlled media sources in Singapore? Most statistics published by the Straits Times, such as 99% of Singaporean want their flats upgraded (duh, who doesn't?), are of little consequence in the grand scheme of things.

Here are some stuff that you should know about Singapore but the compliant media have not told you.

12% of Singaporeans claim to have a penis length of 8 inches or more.

85% of Singaporeans favour pink nipples over the brown, dark brown and black variety.

68% prefer shaved cunts over the hairy variety.

62% of Singapore males claim that they can stimulate their sex partners to orgasm EVERY TIME they have sex.

45% choose straight vaginal sex as their favourite sexual act. Anal sex polled a meagre 16%, which proves that Singaporeans are not a nation of arseholes after all.

In response the the question "What is the most desired sexual act your girlfriend/wife has yet to perform on you?", 26% stated that they wished their sex partners would swallow their cum. 21% wished their wives or girlfriends would let them stick it up their ass while 30% [liars, probably] said that all their sexual desires were fulfilled.

Only 18% of Singapore wives and girlfriends willingly swallow their partners cum. The majority (41%) only allow the cum to be deposited on their bodies.

Almost 50% of Singaporean females rated FOREPLAY as the most important part of the sexual intercourse. 32% rated cunnilingus as a must. As for anal sex, not a single lady voted anal adventures as a desirable part of sex. ASSHOLE bandits... you have been warned.

33% had sex with their girlfriends after they had known each other for a week or less! 22% waited between 1 to 3 months. Only 13% waited until after marriage.

100% of Singaporeans want their girlfriends to be sex machines from day one but 62% want their girlfriends to be virgins before they fuck them.... a classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

28% of unmarried Singaporean couples sleep together EVERY night! 15% said that they wished they could cohabitate but parents had put a stop to it.

A whopping 62% have admitted to being unfaithful to their wives or girlfriends on a regular basis. Only 13% claim that they have been 100% faithful.

A whopping 86% of Singaporeans would go out with a girl even if they knew she had a steady boyfriend or husband.

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Mindboggling statistics
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Technorati Tags: Singapore mindboggling statistics Straits Times media survey sex marriage

Sympathy? What sympathy?

Wall Street apologist Geoff Colvin has done it again. In his recent Value Driven article ("Sympathy for the Devils", FORTUNE, May 25), Colvin argued that Wall Street shouldn't be punished [for the excesses] because "restoring profitability to the banks will require paying bonuses". He further tried to lay blame for the public outrage on a matter of bad timing.

Somehow I think it is Colvin's article that suffers from bad timing. I'm surprised he hasn't woken up to the different circumstances we are now in, and his sense of entitlement is breathtaking.

I don't begrudge paying for performance. But rewards must commensurate with results, not responsibilities. If you did what you're hired to do (e.g. restore profitability to the firm), I don't see any reason why this entails paying bonuses unless you deliver above and beyond what's stated in your job description.

Related post:
Colvin's rant against government intervention

Technorati Tags: Geoff Colvin Fortune Wall Street bonuses performance banks opinion sympathy

Justice delayed is justice denied

Here comes Dickhead Cheney again, trying to save his "legacy" (or rather his sorry ass from being tried for crimes against humanity). It's disheartening to see The Economist pander so shamelessly to the neo-cons:

"THE contrast was stark: on the one hand Barack Obama, young, idealistic, wet-behind the ears, and on the other Dick Cheney, the former vice-president and the voice of experience, in his best growling form."

"But Mr Obama looked like a man whose closest brush with terror had been watching “Independence Day”. Mr Cheney, by contrast, had been there. He recalled the moment on September 11th 2001 when he had been bundled from his White House office into the presidential bunker."

So having the "experience" of hiding in a presidential bunker (an act of cowardice under the circumstances, if you ask me) qualifies one as an expert on the war on terror? What credibility does Cheney think he commands from having "been there"?

Instead of granting him prime time on TV, criminal prosecution for Cheney and the likes is a necessary first step to put a stop to their collective hubris.



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Technorati Tags: Dick Cheney Barack Obama neo-cons The Economist 9/11 criminal prosecution torture war on terror

Acai Berry spam e-mails on the loose

What exactly is açaí? It's a South American berry extract that purportedly fights cancer and cellulite. With bikini season rapidly approaching, the promise of weight loss by this Amazon wonder berry is setting related spam e-mails on the loose. Just take a look at these examples:

Try No.1 Acai Berry(WieghtLoss Superfood) by Oprah & Dr. Oz, pay only $5.95 for shipping, Get Yours Now!
Get that slim tight body you dream of Acai Berry get your free trial now
Acai Berry. Slim and beautiful
Free trial Acai Burn
Acai Diet, get the body you always wanted

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Home, sweet home

If you've ever felt homesick while on the road, you may appreciate the idea of "Home from Home", a travel kit designed to help ease the pain of being away on business. The kit, offered by Laterooms.com, includes such comforts as:

A bespoke scent, made by a company called Dale Air, that smells exactly like your home. (Ensuring your home smells right in the first place is your own responsibility, as Dale Air will apparently visit your home to work out a suitable scent.)

An MP3 player with comforting sounds recorded from your home. (Just make sure the kids are out playing.)

A pillowcase washed in a pre-selected washing powder of your choice.

Your favourite refreshments

Well, that seems like a nice touch, but only if home is what you'll miss most when you're on a business trip. Or for that matter, even when you're travelling for leisure. After all, do you want to be reminded of the dirty laundry, bickering children, nagging spouse, inconsiderate neighbours, etc, when you can have the rare opportunity to indulge in a bit of peace and quiet?

Technorati Tags: Home from Home homesick business travel Laterooms Dale Air bespoke scent travel kit

Dressings for your vegetables?

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Smartphone smartass

Before you indulge in knowledge one-upmanship on your iPhone or any other electronic gagdets, just remember that not everything on the Internet can be trusted and your mileage of truth will definitely vary.

Technorati Tags: MSNBC iPhone apps knowledge turn-off

Blogger blocked ahead of Tiananmen anniversary

If you have been following this blog, you will notice that I haven't updated for a while. The reason is simple. Access to my Blogger account has been blocked since May 15 by the Great Firewall of China, perhaps in anticipation of the Tiananmen anniversary on June 4. (The proxy server that I have been using has been plugged, so I had to look for another.)

I wonder if the authorities are worried that uninformed souls like myself would come across misinformation such as "List of possible embarrassing revelations in Zhao Ziyang Memoirs due out this summer".

Technorati Tags: Blogger China censorship Tiananmen proxy server Zhao Ziyang memoirs June 4

Why it prays to proofread

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

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Top 10 tunes for travellers

Travel and music go together like bacon and eggs. The folks at Travel+Leisure magazine recently compiled a list of top 10 songs that relate to travel in general:

1. Motel Blues by Loudon Wainwright III
2. Refuge of the Road by Joni Mitchell
3. Wide Open Road by The Triffids
4. Leaving on a Jet Plane by Peter, Paul and Mary
5. Station Approach by Elbow
6. Traveller's Tune by Ocean Colour Scene
7. Transit Lounge by Crowded House
8. Every F---ing City by Paul Kelly
9. Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan
10. Roam by The B52s

Here are a few of my favourites (in no particular order):

Take Me Home, Country Road by John Denver
Massachusetts by Bee Gees
Hotel California by The Eagles
The Diamantina Drover by Redgum
One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head
Road To Nowhere by Talking Heads
Where The Streets Have No Name by U2

What's yours?

Technorati Tags: Top 10 songs travellers Travel+Leisure travel list

Taking ergonomics too far

I have never been a fan of ergonomically designed keyboards, although I have one (courtesy of Microsoft for attending a press event) tucked away at home. The IBM laptop (not Lenovo) that I'm using has a rather cramped keyboard, but the tactile feedback it offers is better than desktop versions. Moreover, I can't imagine anyone enjoying typing on the warped keyboard pictured on the right.

Perhaps when they say the keyboard is "ergonomically designed", they meant that the product designer was sitting comfortably while conceiving the design.

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Technorati Tags: keyboards ergonomics product design

Women's words of wisdom

The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70.
~ Helen Hayes (at 73)

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
~ Carrie Snow

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
~ Charlotte Whitton

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
~ Maryon Pearson

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
~ Marie Corelli

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Technorati Tags: women wisdom interesting quotes men relationship

A close shave for convergence

Pity the Motorola folks didn't see this coming. Otherwise they could have dominated a new category of devices with variations of the same theme: LAZR, TASR, ERASR... you get the drift.

The Rong Zun 758 Razor is a GSM phone that features a detachable bottom plate covering a built-in shaver, along with dual SIM card slots, a 2.6" touchscreen, 3MP camera, MP3/MP4 player, FM radio, GPRS, Bluetooth connectivity and a microSD slot.

Sold by Malaysian-based i-Pmart.com, the phone comes (no prize for guessing) from China and retails for US$115.74 plus US$21.98 shipping. The original specs are less than convincing:

"The first Razor phone that is super-fit men used. Convenience to carry and practical. As long as you give the battery can be full of electric shaving, and can also dial phone." Whatever.

What's next? A built-in electric toothbrush?

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Technorati Tags: Rong Zun 758 Razor shaver mobile phone i-Pmart convergence gadgets