Shit可撒不可忍

Related posts:
This is how shit happens
Oh shit!

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Names to avoid

For obvious reasons:

Annie Position
Ben Overbich
Buster Cherry
Helda Dick
Jack Mehoff
Moe Lester

Related posts:
Hi, my name is Olympics
Nicknames for your colleagues
He ain't stupid, he's my brother
Names to avoid for your baby
Real people, real names
Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

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How to be a stalker

This shit is funny!



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成语运算游戏

七手（ ）脚 + （ ）心二意 = （ ）全（ ）美
（ ）嘴（ ）舌 ÷ 三心两意 = 一日（ ）秋
四舍（ ）入 - 三从四德 = 一模（ ）样

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Miracle cat

Ok, so you've read about Jesus Condom. Time for Jesus Cat.


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Confucius says...

He who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who runs behind bus get exhausted.
He who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
He who goes to sleep with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand.
He who walks through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
She who sits on jockey's lap gets hot tip.
She who sits on judge's lap gets honourable discharge.
She who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Couple on 7-day honeymoon makes hole weak.
Rape impossible. Woman runs faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

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Where the streets have no name

And when it does, the name sometimes leaves a lot of room to be desired...

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Cold comfort

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."

"Oh!" said the salesman. "Just how far is it to the next house?"

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Miracle shield

Enough of all the recent news about ill-fitting condoms. Only a miracle will shield this poor chap from embarrassment.


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Too hot for words

Hands up if you think beauty and brains are intellectual opposites. Marina Orlova, the moderately attractive host of HotforWords.com, is out to prove this "theory" wrong. Using her physical assets to her advantage (her cleavage is often clearly displayed, in scanty or low-cut clothing), Marina's intellectual charms are also revealed on the site, which focuses on something called philology - the study of words and their meaning.

Her teaching methods, however, leave a lot to be desired as people may have a difficult time understanding the difference between being hot for words and being hot for her. Still, the lessons are real and visitors can sign up for report cards and other fun items.

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Hangover is dangerous

Too much merriment over the Chinese New Year holidays? Be careful or you may end up like this man:


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给九十岁的你

刘若英为陈升的书《9999滴眼泪》所作的序，没想到演艺圈还能有这样的爱情故事

文 / 刘若英
　　
　　很久不见了，我不会自讨没趣的问你最近好不好，因为你的答案总是「活着吧！」在这个不耻「冷笑话」的年代，还能坚持这么幽默的冷言冷语，你应该也算奇葩。
　　
　　我想即使到了九十岁，你应该还是跟现在一样，像个长不大的小老头，有点愤世嫉俗，满头银发，却还穿着短裤拖鞋自以为游走在不知名的星球吧。
　　
　　还记得你早当年奋力写书的模样，在光复南路的一家小店里，一壶茶，一包烟，握着笔一个一个字的写下。然后固定在傍晚时，身为助理的我去接你，前往录音室，再帮你把一张张的文字打进计算机里……这样的画面，好像是陈年旧事，也彷佛是历历在目的昨天。
　　
　　自从你传讯息来要我写序之后，我就陷入恐慌，这怎么写啊？我们之间说什么都是多余的。或者就像你说，你决不再为我写歌，因为你已不懂我。我想，可能我早也不懂你了。而这些不懂其实才是真懂得。然而我只要求，如果这序真能帮你多卖两本书，下次我出书时，你也欠我一篇序。
　　
　　有时我很恨，为什么我的人生到现在还必须跟你的名字扯在一起，但也许我应该感恩，像「奶茶」这样的名字，也只有你想得出来。朋友从西藏回来，说我的歌大街小巷听的到，因为高原同胞天天要喝奶茶，赞叹我的名字取的好。（很冷，但这绝对不是笑话。）
　　
　　某些人，在你的生命中经过，留下痕迹，有些是鲜明彩色，有些是灰暗黑白，奇怪的是，不管什么时候的你，都让人觉得既极端又模糊。长时间跟你共事的我，清楚知道你是故意的，而且乐此不疲。离开你的人离开了你，因为知道你是故意的;留在你身边的人留下来，因为清楚你乐此不疲，但是没有一点心机。
　　
　　大多数人都只看见你放荡不羁，自我中心。这我倒可以帮你澄清。如果你真只是他们想的那样，你不会十数年孜孜不倦，笔耕写歌。如果你真是那样的，不可能长久维持平静而甜美的家庭生活。想起有一天你喝醉了，我开着车送你跟箫言中回家，途中，你突然惊醒大叫， 要言中去便利商店买两颗茶叶蛋跟一个三明治。言中问你：「阿升，你还吃得下吗？」你迷蒙中回答：「夫人交代，买回去给儿子的早餐。」那个倜傥潇洒的陈升不见了，这一个陈升有些扫兴，但这才是你最应该引以为傲的陈升！
　　
　　你的确在我生命中扮演了很多角色，我爸爸说了，你住院那时，某个黄昏他独自去看你，坐在病床边，只跟你说了一句：「谢谢你代替了我的角色，比起我，你更是一个称职的父亲。」
　　
　　你最爱问我：「你快乐吗？」在我离开新乐园后的第一张唱片完成时，我拿着热腾腾的新歌要你听，电话里的你说：「我不用听，你只告诉我，唱这些歌，你快乐吗？如果快乐，那就够了！」我知道你是故意的，是老招。但到现在为止，工作中，虽难免会做一些妥协的事，唯有唱歌，师父的话，我谨记在心。
　　
　　你说过，大树要在天空交接相会才有意思，那时你的意思是说，我还是颗小苗，别老依附着你，要我自己学着长大！嘿嘿，你总会有九十岁的时候，我也会有八十岁的时候，到那个时候，我不奢望我的树长的比其他人高，也不需要长的跟他人一般高，我只确定，我的树顶能遥遥见的着你的树顶就够了！

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Try this delivery service for Valentine's Day

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Love fest
Valentine's day, happy?
No more touchy-feely cards

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Would you buy this for your loved one?

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Post-80s, some day you may do this

Related posts:
Post-80s, you have competition!
No, you listen to me first!

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Flight carry-on restrictions

While we're at it, here are seven more items that should also be banned from carry-ons:

1. Belt
Some cowboy may use this to whip the pilot into action (or worse, inaction).

2. High-heel stilettos
A hard nudge by one of these pointy devices can be deadly.

3. Pen
Yeah, you'll need this to complete the immigration forms, but didn't they say the pen is mightier than the sword?

4. Glasses
You may say this is a rather myopic view, but with the sun at the right angle during flight, one could create a small fire on the nearest, ahem, hot seat.

5. Duty-free alcohol
The worst thing that could happen when terrorists hijack the plane is that they pilot it drunk. "If you drink, don't die", remember?

6. Underwear
To avoid discrimination, this should be enforced for members of either sex (ok, both sexes if you prefer not to toe the conventional line). Better still, ladies should have their bras removed because surgically enhanced assets have been known to explode.

7. Yourself
Particularly, if you have suicidal tendencies.

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Exercise? Forget it!

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

A man spent $400 to join a health club last year, but hasn't lost a pound. Apparently, he had to show up.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Related posts:
Don't start!
Eat healthy, exercise often, die anyway

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Post-80s, you have competition!

Related post:
No, you listen to me first!

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I die, you also die

Counterterrorism experts with the UK intelligence service MI5 are reportedly aware of a new technique that will help suicidal terrorists avoid detection at airports after discovering increasingly strong chatter regarding the subject on extremist websites. MI5 told Daily Mail that suicide bombers may now surgically implant explosives in their bodies. The explosive, commonly known as pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN), would be placed in a plastic sachet inside the bomber's body before the wound was stitched up like a normal operation incision and allowed to heal, experts said. The embedded bomb would then be detonated with an injection of triacetone triperoxide, administered with syringes that could be smuggled on board disguised as a diabetic's insulin kit.

(If a blonde female terrorist has surgically implanted explosives, what do we call her? A bombshell. Ok, I digressed.)

According to experts, just 226g of PETN would be enough to blast a hole in an airplane. Areas that could accommodate the explosive implants include the breasts, near the appendix and the buttocks.

Does that mean airport security personnel have to grope your breasts and butt to be sure in future? Guys, time to consider a career change.

Arguably related post:
You die, I die

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No, you listen to me first!

A reader by the name of Tom Grundy wrote in to The Standard newspaper in Hong Kong today to criticise the HK government's response to the post-80s generation.

Below is an excerpt of his letter:

Almost as frustrating is Donald Tsang Yam-kuen's clueless response to the rail link dissenters. Somehow he believes the real issue is the failure to engage us young people through Facebook and Twitter. The government is dreaming if it thinks the same old message published through new technology will have any more impact. Perhaps until we are deemed mature enough for democracy, the government should do less talking and more listening.

That's the problem. Everybody wants the other party to do less talking and more listening, but in the end, who is actually listening?? It appears to me that members of the post-80s are a by-product of the "I, me and myself" mentality and I'm not sure if they really care about social issues or are just vying for their 15 minutes of fame on reality TV. Oh wait, let me apologise for my generation and the ones before who brought about your perceived reality.

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