Dieter's guide to weight loss during sex

Activity Calories Burned

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent..................... 12
Without partner's consent................. 187

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands......................... 7
Using one trembling hand.................... 96

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner............................... 15
Dragging partner along the floor........... 16
Using skateboard.............................. 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION
For normal, healthy man................ 2 1/4
For normal healthy women................ 549
Losing erection.............................. 1/4
Searching for it............................ 115

PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC
With erection............................. 1 1/4
Without erection........................... 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is Experienced.. 6
Inexperienced.................................. 73
A man does it regardless of experience… 680
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

INSERTION
If woman is ready.......................... 1/4
If man is not............................... 274

METHOD OF SEX
Tender and loving
Man on top.................................. 275
Woman on top............................... 400
Man on bottom, eyes on woman.......... 535

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen..... 26
Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission..................................... 55
American: both on top...................... 60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing......................................... 7
Sliding around.................................. 9
Serious skidding..............................12
Whiplash...................................... 27

ORGASM
Real............................................. 27
Faked........................................... 160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off............................... 35
Expression didn't change.................. 1/2
Orchestra swelled............................. 6
Birds sang
Large birds........................ 7
Small birds..................................... 3
Earth moved................................... 30

PULLING OUT
After orgasm............................... 1/4
A few moments before orgasm........... 500

PENIS ENVY
For woman...................................... 3
For man........................................ 72

GUILT
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally and spontaneously………… 53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving.................... 2
Sex on your lunch hour....................... 3
And you put it on your expense report..... 20

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants.. 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay........................................ 14
Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time................................... 10
Partner is taking phone calls................. 7
Partner is making phone calls............. 40

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse......................... 60
By your spouse.......................... 60 1/2
Trying to explain........................... 165
Trying to remain calm..................... 100
Leaping out of bed............................ 25
Getting dressed in one large motion..... 300
Thanking partner quickly..................... 2

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